Pregnancy After Loss

By LMFM Staff of April 7, 2022

Photo by Shannon Pitter on Unsplash

If you have become pregnant after a loss (or multiple losses), you may have heard well-meaning people say things like:

  • “I’m sure it’ll be fine this time– the second (or third, fourth) time’s the charm!”
  • “You must be so happy/excited.”
  • “The other pregnancy didn’t work out for a reason.”

They don’t mean to upset you, but they do, don’t they? Becoming pregnant again after loss is a study in contradictions. You WANT to be joyful and excited, but in the back (or often the front) of your mind you’re wondering, “is it going to happen again?” You literally don’t dare to hope. Every visit to the OB is anxiety-producing. Will there be a heartbeat? Will she still be moving? 

Few things are as heartbreaking as losing a pregnancy. The joy of the new pregnancy is diluted by the very real (and rational) fear that this one may end up like the others, in a loss. It’s ok to want to delay celebrating. It’s ok to say “if” rather than “when,” if that’s what you’re feeling. Your memories of the miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of a baby after birth will color every moment of this new pregnancy. 

At our LMFM, we know how you feel. We have several staff members who have gone through it themselves. We will listen, hold your hand when you’re upset, and work with you to make a pregnancy and birth plan that takes your special situation into account. 

It’s important to prepare, as much as you can, for your response to the past trauma in the present pregnancy. There’s a wonderful organization, called Pregnancy After Loss Support (PALS), founded by women who have experienced losses themselves. They have excellent resources available for you at https://pregnancyafterlosssupport.org/

PALS published an article titled “8 Tips to Prepare for Labor in a Pregnancy After Loss,” by Kasey Schultz-Saindon a Chicago psychologist and mom who lost her first two babies at 20 weeks. You can access the full text here: https://pregnancyafterlosssupport.org/prepare-for-labor-pregnancy-after-loss/

Here’s a summary of a few of Kasey’s tips: 

 

  • Being aware of some things that happen during labor and birth that may be upsetting to you can help prepare you. Of course it won’t prevent you from feeling triggered, but it will help you be prepared. 

 

  • Make sure you have someone to talk to about what you’re feeling, and be sure to let your provider know. You may also want to consider having a doula or additional support person present for the birth. Having someone who knows you and your history, and can help you advocate for what you need, is a powerful thing. 

 

  • Discuss your needs with your partner or other labor support person. Write them down as part of your birth plan so they don’t forget!

 

  • Getting ready looks different for everyone. Having a “go bag” ready may make you feel better, but it may not. You could have a partner or trusted friend put together a bag for you, if you don’t have the energy to do it yourself. The same goes for preparing your home. There’s no rule that you have to set up a nursery before the baby comes home–but again, if you want to, you should. If you don’t, that’s ok, and very understandable, too. 

 

We honor the bravery of families experiencing pregnancy after loss. We join you in the  hope that your Rainbow baby (a baby born after a loss) is in your future, and will support you in any way we can. Our staff is currently working with PALS to establish a meetup group (in person or virtual) in Lancaster, where you’ll be able to get support and help from people who have been through loss themselves. In the meantime, please know you can always talk to any of our providers about what you’re going through.